Guest Post: Lance Bass Isn’t Gay

Hey there, legions of fans. As you know, the glamorous life I lead is also a taxing one. Flitting in and out of limousines, taking private jets to both Hither and Yon (I was brokering a peace accord between the Hithertonians and the Yonnish peoples), and walking the red carpet is quite taxing on a body. But despair not, O people of WordPress. I remain devoted to your nourishment and enlightenment. As such, I have solicited a guest post from my cousin, Rupert Miller.

Last week, Rupert told me he was going to write a short post on the “real” causes of the First World War, but when I followed up with him this morning he told me that his research had taken a “new direction” and that he was “beyond the looking glass.” What he shared with me was offensive on many levels and (according to Rupert) wasn’t even “the half of it.” Normally, I would refuse to post this sort of nonsense and ask Rupert’s mother if he was still taking his meds. Unfortunately, I am still nursing an Emmy Award-winning hangover (Jimmy Kimmel makes one hell of a sangria). So here is Rupert’s post, with my regrets. 

– A. Miller

Lance Bass Isn’t Gay

You heard me. This man:


Is not gay. Lance Bass is straight. Lance Bass has not once made sweet love to another man. Lance Bass loves the ladies. Lance Bass goes bowling. Lance bass is straighter than me or you probably (that goes double if you the reader are, in fact, gay). How do I know this?

Fact: Lance Bass is actually the last legitimate heir to the House of Hapsburg. 

In the aftermath of the First World War the “collapse” of the Austro-Hungarian Empire was orchestrated so that the Illuminati could continue their breeding program with the royal houses of Europe unnoticed. The Hapsburg line, from which “Bass” is the sole surviving descendant, possessed a unique mixture of DNA that was integral to achieving the Illuminati objective of a race of demi-gods with superhuman powers including (but not limited to) ESP, telekinesis, alchemy, near perfect physique, and a natural talent for badminton.

Fact: Lance Bass’s “gayness” is an Illuminati plot to prevent the dilution of their Hapsburg breeding program.

As is often the case with Illuminati pawns, Lance Bass quickly rose to prominence in one of their population pacification and mind control programs commonly known as NSYNC. While the NSYNC project was a roaring success in achieving its objectives (i.e., rendering a generation of girls mentally incapable of pursuing careers in STEM fields and increasing out-of-wedlock births), it had a fatal flaw. “Bass” along with the other members of NSYNC were now famous and subject to a constant barrage of temptresses and back-stage hussies.

If Bass were to lose control for a single second and impregnate a female of unsuitable breeding, the Illuminati feared their program would yield yet another uncontrollable monster (see Dunham, Lena). Until a suitable mate can be found for their crown jewel, the Illuminati have conducted a near flawless “False F*#” operation. [ed. This play on words is not okay, Rupert].

Conclusion: Lance Bass would tear it up out there if he weren’t waiting for the right lady. Maybe that’s you?

If you believe you or someone you know could be have the necessary genetic background to mate with Lance Bass and give birth to a new race of supermen, please use the contact form on my cousin’s website. Be sure to include a headshot and include the words “possible future empress of Europe” in the subject line.

Remember ladies, this man:

Is. Not. Gay.

Rupert Miller








7 thoughts on “Guest Post: Lance Bass Isn’t Gay

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