5 People I don’t Trust

  1. Guy in his 40’s with a cool haircut.

Unless you’re a model or a celebrity, there’s no reason for you to make this kind kind of an effort after 35. The rest of us assume you have too few responsibilities to command the normal level of respect men of your age are supposed to get. Committing to a look 20 years younger than you are is a form of time travel. You’re effing with the space time continuum. If you go too far back your mom might forget to fall in love with your dad!

2. Women over 35 with unnatural hair colors.

Purple, pink, or green, I can smell your emotional instability across the internet. I don’t know who hurt you, but all the one woman shows in the universe aren’t going to be enough to fill the hole they left.

3. Anyone who knows every meme.

These people are unemployable. We should tag them and cut off their internet access until they can be properly examined and rehabilitated.

4. Australians.

Nuff said.

And the fifth type of person I don’t trust is (drum roll).

5. Adult males who wear sweatpants in public after college.

Come on fellas, you can’t all be in the hip-hop community right? Let’s pony up for a pair of Levi’s, ok?

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