At the behest of his mother and against my better judgement, I have once again accepted a guest post from Cousin Rupert. She says that writing relaxes him. When I asked why he couldn’t start his own damn blog, she explained that he refuses to make direct physical contact with any device with greater computing power than a Commodore64. Rupert is under the impression that the Russian hacker posing as Bill and Melinda Gates will learn his shopping habits and ensure the manufacturers of his favorite snacks are bankrupt. According to Rupert, “If it can happen to the Twinkie, it can happen to the Swedish Fish!!”.
Anyway, here’s a new entry from Rupert. If you haven’t already (and why would you?), I recommend reading his earlier post here. It will give you a sense of where he’s “coming from.”
– A. Miller
By the time my sheeple relatives actually post this, I may be held against my will in a FEMA camp or tied to a chair in one of the CIA black sites beneath the city of Orlando. This piece may very well be the last thing I write before I am silenced by the Reptoids.
It turns out, when I blew the lid off Lance Bass’ secret heterosexual lifestyle in late 2016, I rattled a lot of cages in high places. One of these cages which I rattled so thoroughly was apparently located in the executive suite of the Reptilian owned and operated shell company known to most Americans as “Whole Foods.” The Lizard Men can’t abide a truth teller, can they?
How do I know “Whole Foods” is watching my every move?
FACT 1: My neighbor Jeff has been losing a suspicious amount of weight.
Up until mid-September he hovered around 300lbs (if guys that size can hover). Then he began losing a large amount of weight. Maybe a little too much, I thought. When I asked him how he had achieved this change despite his obvious genetic disadvantages and general lack of willpower, he replied that he had been “exercising” and “eating more vegetables” and suggested that I should stop being “such a dick.”
You know what else happened in mid-September? I proved that Lance Bass is not, in fact, gay. Nice try, Jeff. We know you’re losing weight because your Reptilian masters are slowly sucking out your life force.
FACT 2: I’ve personally witnessed Jeff carrying Whole Foods bags into his apartment on a weekly basis.
Jeff says he was shopping there because he wanted to benefit from their superior selection of organic fruits and vegetables, but is that really what’s going on? As a well known front for the Lizard Men, Whole Foods is actually a key center of Reptilian mind control and surveillance.
FACT 3: A woman Jeff claims is his “girlfriend” is regularly visiting his apartment.
Like clockwork. Roughly a month after I exposed Lance Bass as the heterosexual participant in an elaborate breeding program, a strange woman began visiting Jeff’s apartment. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions so I asked Jeff who she was. When he gave me the cock and bull story about her being his girlfriend, I knew he was totally compromised. As if a lazy fatso like Jeff could lose all this weight AND win the affections of a normal human woman!
You’re gonna have to do better than that, “Whole Foods.” We all know this “girlfriend” is really his Reptilian handler who has come to download the passive recording devices Jeff has planted around my apartment.
If you’re worried your neighbor or loved one has become an agent of a life-sucking race of super intelligent lizards, here are the signs to watch for:
- Noticeable weight loss or improved muscle-tone.
- Increased consumption of vegetables.
- Sudden improvements in mood or general attitude.
- A recent promotion or raise in pay.
- New girlfriend/boyfriend that is too attractive for your friend/loved one.
Please share this. It’s probably too late for me, but it might not be too late for you.