Guest Post: Barry Manilow is Trying to Kill My Mother

Ed. After a long hiatus, it’s time for another guest post from my Cousin Rupert. For those of you who don’t know Rupert, buckle up. He’s a conspiracy theorist/fantasist who refuses to work or pursue interpersonal relationships beyond his immediate family. He believes Lance Bass is actually the straight heir to the Hapsburg Empire and that his neighbor and Whole Foods are a tool of the Illuminati. You’ve been warned.

It’s been a few days since Barry Manilow officially came out as a gay man, and I’ve only just recovered enough from the shock of it to explain what’s REALLY going on. I don’t know why the Illuminati and their Lizard masters singled out my mother, but I suspect it’s just another link in a long standing intimidation campaign against yours truly. The Reptilians hate a truth teller.

It’s no accident that just as I was about to launch a new site devoted to unmasking the crypto-satanism at the center of Radio Shack (how else have they stayed in business this long if not by making a deal with the Devil?), Barry Manilow outed himself.

FACT: MOM LOVES BARRY MANILOW.

From “Mandy” to “Copacabana (At the Copa)” to the Band-aid jingle, Mom is as hard core a Manilow fan as you could hope to find.

FACT: FOR MANY YEARS, BARRY MANILOW PRETENDED HE WAS STRAIGHT.

He pretended so well in fact that Mom would often wonder aloud why he couldn’t find a nice girl to settle down with. Then she’d sigh and say something like, “That Susan Deixler really did a number on his heart.”

FACT: BARRY MANILOW IS AN ILLUMINATI INSTRUMENT

Barry is part of an elite group of celebrities that use hypnosis on behalf of True Value Hardware Stores, Chesapeake Bay Energy, and Whole Foods (all Illuminati front groups) in exchange for youth serum. But try telling my mom that.

FACT: BARRY MANILOW CAME OUT LESS THAN 24HRS AHEAD OF MY WEBSITE LAUNCH

It is no coincidence that on the very eve of the launch of my new website (radioshackisthedevil.com) Barry revealed his secret to the world (and more importantly, my mother).

FACT: MY MOM NEARLY DIED OF SHOCK

When Mom sat down to turn on the Today Show that fateful morning, she put a brave face on when the news was announced, but I could tell she was having a million micro-strokes. I don’t know how but she was still verbal throughout the harrowing experience.

“Just goes to show you, you never can tell.” she said. “I hope he’s happy. Rupert, why are you fanning me with your handkerchief? I’m trying to watch the news.”

She’s a fighter.

 

 

 

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