Guest Post: These 5 Facts Prove the Illuminati Are Real

Dear Reader, what follows is yet another ill-advised composition from my poorly medicated Cousin Rupert. I relinquish all legal responsibility for any opinions or wild allegations that are made below – Ed.

Hi there everyone. Since my last post, I’ve been concerned as to why I’m not getting through to more of the worker bees in this insane anthill we’re calling modern society. My mother says I would have better luck if I didn’t call everyone sheeple. But I realized that it might be helpful if I shared a few of the things that convinced me that human beings were being harvested of their life energy by a cabal of cranially advanced reptiles and organic grocers.

Here are five seemingly unrelated “red pills” that will open your stupid fat sheeple eyes.

  1. AC/DC has never played at the Superbowl. In what sane world is this allowed to happen? AC/DC has been getting jocks amped up for centuries. The only logical explanation is the Illuminati are concerned that a national broadcast of “Riff Raff” would incite all you sheeple to take off your sheep blinders and throw off the yoke of reptilian oppression.
  2. RadioShack is still in business. Now that batteries and sub-par electronics are widely available, there is no economical reason this store should still exist. The only logical explanation is that it is a breeding center for the Lizard Men that run the Home Shopping Network.
  3. You can never find hotdogs and buns packaged in the same quantities.
    This one is pretty obvious to everyone right? Moving on.
  4. Patrick Stewart was allowed to stop playing Professor X. What’s that? You don’t see the connection? Did we find a better actor to portray Charles Xavier when I wasn’t looking? Did Hollywood get tired of making jillions of dollars on superhero movies? Did the man who played Captain Jean-luc Picard all of a sudden lose his taste for taking photographs with nerds? I didn’t think so.

For those of you who remain unconvinced. You should hear yourself. Your pathetic sheeple mind is so desperate to deny the truth of the Illuminati you can’t see what the facts are telling you.

 

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